Why do straight men go to gay bars

Surely I wouldn't be the gay man I am today had it not been for the one who made coming out in New York City a little easier for me. He was the bartender who used to splash my Stoli with Canada Dry tonic water in the back bar at Limelight. I was the new kid in town, shy, friendless and still peeking through a crack in the closet door to see how things were on the outside.

Gay night at Limelight was my dirty little secret. The first few times I went, nobody spoke to me except for Frederick. He was boyishly handsome and shirtless, with a six-pack and a smirk of a smile that made my knees buckle, and for some reason, he took an immediate liking to me. Night after Friday night, he'd ask about my week, make jokes with me during lulls in the bar rush, and never charge me for my vodka buzz.

He asked for nothing in return. He had a boyfriend, and as far as I knew, he was just being nice. He helped make me feel comfortable in gay nightlife and, eventually by extension, being gay in everyday life. That was then, in the gay Pleistocene era circabefore "straight-acting" and straight bartenders started taking over gay scenes everywhere.

If I were the same timid year-old today, and in the process of coming out in Cape Town, I'd probably be on my own. Not just because urban gay life isn't what it used to be Grindr has seen to thatbut because here, in particular, it seems all of the "gay" bartenders, even the ones who will let us suck tequila shots out of their belly buttons if we're willing to pay for the dishonor, are actually straight.

An Etiquette Guide for Straight People in Gay Bars

We're little more to them than the source of a potential tip. I have a theory about straight staff in so-called "gay spaces": It's a marketing ploy by misguided bar and club owners who think a hunky straight man represents the ultimate gay male fantasy, something to aspire to have and to be.

But isn't stocking the staff of gay bars with straight boys a bit like always casting straight actors in gay roles, leaving gay actors out of work and gay audiences still not seeing themselves truly represented onscreen? Doesn't it ignore the actual wants, needs and even aspirations of gay men, like the year-old me at Limelight?

What about the increasing desegregation of gay and straight men in nightlife in general? I can still recall the days when the doormen outside of gay bars and clubs -- including the ones posted in front of Limelight's 20th Street side entrance -- used to try to confirm my gayness before allowing me inside.

Just because I was never questioned before entering straight places didn't mean I didn't get special treatment in them. I was out drinking one night in with Stephan Jenkins, the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, at Centro-Fly, a straight techno lounge that had previously been Tramps, the live-music venue one block away from Limelight where I saw Radiohead perform on June 1, That People magazine writer who "sashayed out of the dressing room, peeved," post-show was me!

After watching all of the women fawn over the only gay guy in the place, Stephan offered a theory of his own: "I don't believe you're actually gay. I think you only pretend like you are because it's a great way to get women. I laughed, partly because I was partying like a rock star with the rock star who was dating Charlize Theron, and partly because what he said was so absurd.

If I were straight, I'd never stoop to such subterfuge just to get laid. It would be easier to just go to a gay bar and hit on straight girls there. That's what some straight guys actually do today shame on them! I recently came across an article titled "A Straight Man's Trip to a Gay Bar" about the night the writer blacked out in a club surrounded by boys who like boys.